After all, they're just words...

"He is everything you want, he his everything you need, he is everything inside of you that you wish you could be. He says all the right things at exactly the right times, but he means nothing to you and you don't know why..."

Those are the words to a great Vertical Horizon song from when I was a bit younger. I remember a girl that I was dating at the time, who I'm still great friends with today, who mentioned that song to me. It happened to be on the radio all the time then, but the band was pretty well unknown (and today still is, unless you're a fan) and I can remember the conversation about the song we had. She mentioned a song about the guy who's everything she wanted but she didn't have feelings for him and didn't know why. Back then I knew almost every song, and I said oh yeah I know that, it's by Vertical Horizon, and she said yeah that's the one.
And then I'll never forget what she said next.

"That song is just the way I feel about you."

That was one of the few times I can remember someone's words actually hurting me, even though it was unintentional and not thought through. I can actually remember where we were, what we did, even what we ate that night. That was about 13 years ago. There's not many things I remember with that vivid of a detail. The next time someone said something that hurt me that really made a mark on me was when, after assorted drama, I told my ex-girlfriend that I wanted to propose to her. She stared at me like I just asked her what was on TV. After a minute, she just dryly asked me "what do you want me to say to that?"

Yeah. That kind of hurt. (read: crushed)

So last night, I had another one of those moments. Granted it was a text, but it was still pretty powerful. Someone I'm really interested in and have been for a while was talking to me. She was having a bad night, and sent a text without thinking about who she was sending it to really. She said "Sometimes I feel like I will never find the one. Have a good night."

Yeah, that one hurt too.

I've been talking to her for about a month now. I've been trying to convince her that I'm right for her and we'd be good together. Which is really hard for me. Not because it's not true. But because I'm so used to just walking away when someone says they're not interested. I guess this case is a little different, since she hasn't said she's not interested, just concerned in the situation. Either way, it's not like me to constantly pursue someone that says no. I have this thing, as I put it, I don't go where I'm not wanted. But there's something about her that's so worth trying and pushing for. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of how she could be. And it gives me hope.
But I made it clear last night that the text she said was probably not appropriate for the audience. She apologized profusely, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. You can't tell someone that's been trying to convince you that you'll treat them right that you don't think you'll find the right person for you. It's more a matter of tact than anything.

My point is, words can have some a pretty big impact on a person. Both the words that are said, and the words that aren't. I seem to keep investing myself in people that I either can't have, or can't keep, for whatever reason. I'm not sure what to do about it. When I take a look at my past (or at least these examples) the first 2 were people that I already had some kind of a relationship with at the time. The newest example is someone that I would do whatever it takes to have a relationship with.

When do you just say enough, and move on?

Let He Without Sin...

Unfortunately, my aunt Ann passed away a couple of weeks ago. She's been extremely sick over the last few years. Partially from mother nature, and partially from her typical Richards stubbornness that we all seem to suffer from. I haven't been close to her in some years now, so it didn't hit me very hard. But it was upsetting, and I am sad for the loss. We all have our flaws and she was no exception, but she was a good person and did her best to be a good person for everyone around her.

Tonight I got an email from my father, which was a forwarded email from my uncle David, talking about the services, and included mass cards and a picture of my aunt from the service. My uncle has always been more of an afterthought in my life, through no fault of my own. I can actually name all of the times I've seen him in my lifetime. Actually I can count on one hand the times I've seen him in my 32 years, 2 of which were funerals and 1 was about 10 minutes before I left for school in the morning. I don't begrudge the fact that he was in other states earning money and starting a family, and that's really all anyone wants out of life. But the down side of that is, he doesn't know the people that my family and I have become. He doesn't know what we've done with your lives, be it our missteps, or our successes.

I bring this up because in the email, he said how he was insulted that my brother, sister, and I weren't at the service, and that it's something he wouldn't be proud of. First of all, how can an absentee family member compare his ability to get to a funeral service to mine? Yes, it was an undertaking for you to come from the middle east where you're currently working with your government contracts to come home for your sister's funeral. You've flaunted your money in the past and I'm well aware you can afford it, both from your prior endeavors and your current. Try to remember while you're sitting up on your pedestal that not everyone suffers from the same circumstances you do. What's been going on in my life? Well thank you for asking before you rush to judgments.

Unfortunately, 2 days before my aunt passed, the motor on my car blew. Financially, I'm not doing well and I have to file bankruptcy. So at the moment I have no car, and no money to buy a car. While I would have been more than willing to attend the service had I had a way to get there. Next time, tell me 2 weeks in advance and I'll start walking. As it is the only reason I'm able to get to work now is through the extreme generosity of some friends who, without them, I would be completely in ruins. The fact that you were able to buy a plane ticket from the middle east to the states, drive across half the country before making it to the service, and then go back, speaks volumes about the differences in our current position. I'm barely able to travel a few miles. You're able to travel thousands at a moment's notice. Yes it was an important event. But circumstances prevented my attendance.

Now as for your disappointment... what gives you the right to be disappointed in me? You probably know the counter person at your local McDonalds better than you know me. Seeing me 5 times in my life does not give you the right to be proud or disappointed. You don't get to judge me. Before you start passing judgment on other people, look into your life and what you've done, how you've been absent from EVERYONE'S life, and then consider your position. I noticed in your email that you used the trip to spend time with your son in Indiana as well. But there was no mention that your son went to the service, and obviously you made it from there to the service... so where's your disappointment there?

And then you have the audacity to tell my father you're insulted we didn't attend? I'm insulted at the fact that you took a picture of my aunt in her casket. I'm insulted that you think you have the right to judge me. I'm insulted that you're holding us to a standard you're not holding your own children to. I'm insulted that someone so intelligent doesn't realize that my brother and sister, both who have no money, no driver's license, and no car, would have no way to attend. I'm insulted for your overall lack of interest at being any kind of influence or presence in any of our lives. Buying a bicycle on one of your handful of visits does not make an uncle. For someone that's suddenly so concerned about family, maybe you should make more of an effort to try to actually be part of a family instead of being so concerned with yourself all the time. And yes, I wasn't at the service. But that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it, don't regret it, and didn't mourn her in my own way.

I've seen my uncle 5 times in my life, and I may only see him once more, if that. But if this is the kind of person he is, looking down his nose at me without knowing what I've done for my family, what my circumstances are, then I'm more than happy to leave it at just 5.

Well, there went my childhood...

So we all have fun things we remember from our childhood. Most of the shows and toys and games we all had when we were children seem to be coming back. One of the most recent? Last night the new Knight Rider series started. Now a few months back there was a 2-hour made for TV movie that was supposed to introduce the series, which is a continuation (not a remake) of the original.

For those who didn't see it, this new Michael is Mike Tracer, the son of the original Michael Knight. He's an ex-army ranger in a financial bind, when his ex-girlfriend and KIT creator find him and ask him for help. The story line was okay, but KIT was amazing. The newest version is a 2008 Ford Mustang Cobra, and although I'm disappointed with the car of choice, the "nano-technology" that lets him change colors, forms, and even dispel damage is pretty freakin cool. After watching the movie, I was eagerly awaiting what promised to be an amazing new show.

They lied.

I barely made it through the hour-long debut last night. Now, as I said, I was very eagerly awaiting the show. So when I saw what I did, I was very disappointed. KIT no longer "morphed" with his nano-tech, but instead he transformed a-la the Transformers movie. Ok... Disappointing, but ok. Then, he transforms into a pickup truck? What? It was enough of a reach when in the movie he was able to change his spoiler and whatnot. But change into a COMPLETELY different type of vehicle? Come on now. And then when he went into "speed mode", the result looked like something out of a bad anime cartoon. And the story only got worse. And worse. And worse. A man had a secret code implanted in his DNA? And the only way to get it out is to read his DNA with a special cypher that's locked... in his DNA? Yeah. No.

This is seriously one of the worst and most disappointing shows I have seen in a VERY long time. They need better... everything. I had my DVR set up to record this every week, and before the hour was even over I had already canceled the recording. Seriously, don't waste your time, not even for a second.

Ninjas don't live to be 30...

So, a few weeks back I turned 30. And since 30 is kind of a big deal, I had a small group of friends come with me to Ninja in the Tribeca section of New York City (you can see their website at www.ninjanewyork.com). We took the train into the city and did a little touring first. We went to Toys R Us in Times Square, and from there decided we'd walk down to the restaurant.

Bad idea.

The iPhone map (we're still on the Edge, haven't upgraded to the new version of the phone yet) told us we were 2 miles away. So we all agreed that we could walk and see some more sights since one of the people with us had never been to the city before. Well, after an hour of walking, we finally hailed a cab. It would have been another 2 hour walk. SOOO glad we got the cab.

When you pull up to Ninja, unless you know what you're looking for you'll miss it. There's a big green door with black tinted windows, and in about 4 inch gold letters it says "Ninja". That's it. So we walk inside and it's dark, and a pretty small waiting area. The elevator was being serviced the day we went, so we took the stairs. It was only one flight. When you get into the actual restaurant, the look of it is amazing. The entire place is done up like an old ninja castle. The waiters and servers wear ninja-style outfits. No one tried making it seem like they were actual ninjas, and they talked to us like they would anywhere else. But it was still pretty cool.

I got one of their tasting menus, and let me just tell you how amazing the food was. I WILL go back there very soon for more of their sushi. Definitely some of the best I have ever had. And their portions aren't small, so by the 4th course of the 5 course menu I had, I was already pretty full. The drinks are expensive, but they're strong. Menu drinks were like $12, off-menu mixed drinks were $10. So, if you go, prepare to spend some cash. But definitely worth it.

Afterwards we went to some dive bar that seemed like it was in someone's basement. The furniture was all shit that you would find on the curb after a landlord emptied an abandoned apartment. And it smelled weird. But, it was fun most of the time because of the people we were with. All in all, a good night and a good celebration with people that were important to me.

Who wants to live forever?

I was asked by someone recently that if I was able to know the exact time I would die, would I want to know? Now, I know a lot of people hear the same question quite often. It seems to be a major philosophical question. Apparently an actual survey was done, and out of the people questioned, approximately 30% said they'd want to know. I have to be honest. I'd want to be in that other 70%.

Would you really want to know when you're going to die? Think about it for a minute. Not knowing if and when we're going to die is what makes our lives worth living. We go skydiving because of the thrill of rushing down towards the pavement at 10 meters per second per second, now knowing if our chute will open or not, makes our heart race faster and faster and makes the adrenaline pump through our veins. We enjoy that fillet and savor the taste because we don't know if we'll ever have the chance to taste it again.

I feel sorry for those people who get told they only have a certain amount of months, or weeks, to live. Partially for whatever condition it is they have that led to this prognosis. But it's mostly because knowing makes life lose all it's meaning. Sure, you'll have the chance to do all the things that you wanted to do before you pass. You can say all the things you wanted to say, and see the people you wanted to see one last time. But how much will you really appreciate it? Will you enjoy the things you've always wanted to do? Will you even be able to pull yourself out of bed in the morning knowing that your time is limited?

I hope you never need to find out.

To vote, or not to vote...

This is the only time I have ever actually caught myself saying "why should I even bother voting anyway?" since I was first able to vote. Every year they tell us more young people should be voting, more people should be out making the choices for this nation. And this is what they give is to make the choice between. This presidential election is little more than just a media circus, and a pretty horrible joke. For instance, on CNBC today, the BREAKING NEWS story was that McCain was giving a speech that we are in an energy crisis.

No... fucking... way...

I suppose that none of these politicians thought about this 3 years ago when the price of gas jumped over $1 a gallon in a matter of months? This isn't something that just happened overnight. But of course, being in politics, whatever happens to be in the news today is what they need to make a stand on. God forbid we're actually preemptive. Who wants to head off a problem before it actually BECOMES a problem? Nope. That's not the American way. Let's just wait until it actually explodes into a crisis before we address it. Go us. Notice now that we're not making a big deal about the war anymore. All of a sudden it seems like we forgot it was going on. Nah we're more worried about filling up our Suburbans and Escalades and Excursions. Who cares if a few people died. They're only our sons, brothers, daughters, sisters... No biggie.

Plus, we have just an amazing political system set up as it is. We have 2 political parties. Democrats and Republicans. But they're the same party. One person says one thing. The other person disagrees. The first person changes his mind and agrees with the other person. The other person says no, that he said the first time was correct. It really doesn't matter what party you vote for. There are no more clear party lines. No real differences. The only thing the 2 party system accomplishes today is to provide a reason for them to bicker and point fingers.

When the legislative system was originally set up, it was truly a government of the people, for the people, by the people. A farmer would represent his family, friends, town... He would serve his term in office, then go home, and continue to farm. Today politics only serve to fuel politics. We turned it into a business rather than a service. People get into politics to earn money and power and respect, not to do what's right. They get into office, then they give away positions and contracts to whoever they think will further their career, despite what it will do to the people that put them in office. When it's time for them to leave office, we should just put a "FOR SALE" sign in the window. At least then it'll be truth in advertising.

I also haven't heard a damn thing to get me excited about either candidate. Obama talks about hope and change. We should hope for change, and make changes for hope. But what are we changing? What are we hoping happens? How about we start hearing about how you hope to change the country. What are you going to do? What are your plans? And McCain... I haven't heard ANYTHING from him other than current events. We are in an energy crisis. Here's a cookie. What do you plan do to about this problem that's going to make a difference within the next 5 years? Nothing. Nothing you do will fix it. How are you going to fix the nation? Yeah, didn't think so. Neither of you are worth the effort in my opinion.

Now, one candidate that I was really pulling for is Ron Paul. Besides having a name that sounds like a porn star, he at least had a plan. I don't know if it would have been good. I don't know if it would have worked. But the man had an idea. He had real plans, real solutions, and real conviction. He never had a chance though, because he wanted less government in our daily lives. What politician would support him with that?

We need a complete overhaul of our system. But that's not going to happen. Until then, I'm just going to write in Green Lantern. At least of I'm going to throw away my vote, it'll be for someone we KNOW what they represent.

You mean guys CAN have female friends???

Ok, now, I have 109 people on my Myspace friends list as of today. Out of these 109 people, I'd say 80% or more are girls. Females. Women. Ladies. However you'd like to put it.

Apparently I want to/have/am trying to sleep with them all.

Now, I will admit I'm a flirt. Sometimes, yes there is intention behind it. Sometimes, it's harmless fun. Sometimes it's just a response. But apparently a guy can't have a female friend unless he wants to fuck her or is trying to.

It's true, some of the girls on my friends list or that I hang out with or have seen or have talked to or texted or have seen in the mall or even glanced at while walking down the street may have liked me or may like me, or I may have liked or even hooked up with at one point or even dated. As a matter of fact I know at least one girl on my friends list is my girlfriend from my senior year in high school, one of the girls on my top friends is someone that I dated when I was in my late teens early 20s, and so on.

Ladies, think about it. Out of every guy you have ever started to talk to, out of all the ones you know and you hang out with, how many of them did you start talking to because of some type of attraction? You thought they were cute, had nice eyes, a nice smile, they were intelligent, they were funny. They didn't necessarily attract you sexually, but they did something that attracted your attention. Maybe it did start with some harmless flirting to break the ice. Not every guy can just go up to talk to a girl for no reason. Some of us are actually shy, believe it or not, and get extremely nervous and need SOMETHING to help us get your attention.

Now, place yourself in the guy's shoes. Did they start talking to you because they wanted to bone you? Look through my friends again. How many of these people would I NEVER touch? Sure, you won't accuse me of trying to fuck them, because you don't think they're attractive. But maybe they're amazing people? Maybe they crack me up? Maybe they're just really easy to talk to? You don't find them threatening. You just find my ATTRACTIVE friends threatening.

Interesting.

Once again, place yourself in the guy's shoes. Why is it ok that YOU have 5 guy friends that constantly hang all over your, dry hump your leg or stick their thing in your ear when you're sleeping, text you at 3am to tell you they had dirty dreams about you, ask if they make you wet, walk in on you when you're changing, kiss your neck and always have their arms around your waist sneaking under your shirt, but when I have a female friend that sits in my room 5 feet away from me watching TV we're having sex? Can you say double standard? I knew you could.

Face it. Not every guy is banging every female he knows. Just because the 4 A&F wannabe models you hang with stick everything that moves and want to make you next, just because you're used to the way THEY act, doesn't mean the rest of us do. Some of us ARE out for something meaningful. And... here's the kicker... some of us ARE actually honest! If we say we like you, maybe we really do. If we say we want to be with you, we probably do. If we say we like you, chances are we do. If you feel that you can't trust ME because of what some guy did behind your back with your best friend 3 years ago, maybe you should stop second guessing me and start second guessing the company you keep.

If you ask me a question I'll answer it.
If you ask me to be honest, I'll tell you I already am.
If you ask me why you don't believe me, you should be asking yourself.

Finally, I'm SICK and FUCKING TIRED of hearing there are no nice guys out there. Do you want to know why there are no nice guys out there? You won't give us the time of day. You'd rather go out with the A&E guys (see above if you forgot already) and let them treat you like crap, leave you by the wayside while they're boning someone else, and run back to them 5 minutes later. You don't want to give a guy like me a chance. I'm not a model. I'm not the best looking guy in the world. I know it, I admit it, I've moved on. But when I've been by your side for years while you went through all the a-holes, gave you tissues when they made you cry, stuck up for you when they said bad things about you, picked you up at 3am when I was sleeping for my 8am job when they got pissed at you and left you at the club because some guy came up to talk to you, dropped EVERYTHING for you any time you called me no matter WHAT I was doing, and then you tell me there's no nice guys out there, I'm going to tell you to go to hell and lose my number. Open your eyes and look at what's been staring you in the face all this time.

The girls that say there are no nice guys out there don't say that because they can't find one. They say that because they're not looking at one. They're confusing what they want with what they're asking for. And I bet you that every single one of the girls out there that complain there aren't any nice guys out there have at least 1 guy friend that fits that exact mold I just described. And I'm also willing to bet that he's the one that you complain to that there are no nice guys out there. Next time, just slap him in the face. It'll hurt less. Think about it.

OOHH I WANT!!! No... wait.... no I don't...

Most people get excited over something new. It's almost like you're a child at Christmas, opening that gift that you've wanted for months and months and begged your parents for and now, finally, you open it. And just like on the TV shows and commercials, you're so excited to finally have it! There it is, your shiny new toy, in your hands, and you're never going to let it go! This is the best day ever! The sheer joy inside is bubbling over, seeping from every pore, and each and every person that looks at you knows exactly how excited you are. You don't eat, sleep, shower, do ANYTHING without the new toy, because that's how amazed and happy and appreciative you are that you have it.

Relationships are very similar. You meet someone new and if you connect in a special way, you want to spend way too much time together. You always want to talk or text or see each other. If you're not able to do one of those things, you find yourself daydreaming about that other person, or wondering what they're doing or what they're thinking. You get anxious waiting for that phone to ring or to hear a knock on your door. When the phone isn't ringing you find yourself asking "what if"? What if they don't like me? What if I'm coming on too strong? What if they find someone better? But when you're talking or when you're together, you can't find the right words to speak, because your mind and heart and mouth are all at odds with each other. All of them want to say something, and none of them are the same thing. Your mouth just wants to start spurting gibberish. Your mind knows you need to take things at a right pace and is trying to keep it that way, but your heart is just fluttering all over. In the same room you can't be without the other person's touch.

Back to that gift. How many people still have that one gift from when they were a child? I remember being excited over a new bike, Transformer, G.I.Joe... The novelty wore off. The bike was left out in the rain and got some rust here and there, and I outgrew it. The Transformer got buried in the back yard when a tunnel we dug collapsed on it trying to save the innocent G.I.Joe from being buried alive. And the G.I.Joe? Well, lets just say the little rubber band that holds the top half to the bottom half does not twist more than 10 times. You were so excited over the toys at one point. But then, they weren't new anymore. And yeah, you'd pick them up and play with them here and there, but there was always something new and better that you wanted more. It happens a lot.

Relationships are very similar. After the newness wears off, there has to be substance. If there's no substance, the relationship doesn't last. You can try, and you can fight it, but in the end it won't work. And heed my warning, ALL RELATIONSHIPS END. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Now, I'm not saying you and your love muffin that have been together 7 years now are going to break up. You could get married and have 20 kids and live into your 70's together. But your relationship will end. Maybe it's amicable, and you decide you're not meant for each other. Maybe one of you screw up or cheat or you're just not happy. Or maybe one of you pass away. They all end. Some how, some day. What's important is what you do with the time you have together.

That 70 year old couple you see walking down the street had their rough patches. They've had their ups and downs in their relationships, their highs and lows. I'm sure there were times where one of them may have felt like leaving, or even did for a time. But they took a chance and made the best of what they had. When they hit a hard patch, the fought through it. They made it work. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. Knowing something is going to end is no excuse for not taking every second you have and making it worth something and making it as memorable as possible. I, for one, would rather know that I have amazing memories of something that only lasted a little while, than only thoughts about what may have happened.

You never know what life holds for you. You can walk out into the street tomorrow and get hit by a car, or you could walk into the gas station and buy a winning lottery ticket. Point is, stop being scared. Stop trying to protect yourself from everything. You can't know joy without pain. You can't know happiness without sorrow. Sometimes you need to hurt a little to remember you're really alive. So get up off your ass and start living. Start taking some chances. Put yourself out there. You may be surprised at the results.

Is it really THAT hard?

First I want to say hello! This is my first post on Blogger, although not my first blog. I used to write here and there on Blurty.com, but it has absolutely no traffic, was hard to find, and just not easy to write on. So far everyone says how great Blogger is, so hopefully I'll like my new home.

For my first post, I just want to give you a simple English lesson. Now, hopefully anyone reading this will be intelligent enough to realize what I'm saying is true and help out a few other people advance in this manner, or even catch themselves when they do it here and there. I'm not the most grammatically correct, not the best speller in the world (thank god for spell check) but this is simple grade school English.

Today's lesson: the difference between your and you're.
Your is possessive. It means you have something. YOUR eyes. YOUR lips. YOUR television.
You're is a contraction of the words YOU and ARE. So you're a beautiful person. You're being too loud. You're coming to the party.
Ways not to use them? You're eyes are beautiful. Your a great person. You're cat. Your too nice.

Now I only say this because it's one of my pet peeves and people do it all the time. I've seen it on blogs and message boards and all kinds of places. And usually the people that are using them incorrectly are flaming someone for their looks or their speech or their attitude. If you're going to flame someone, at least do what you can to not look like a moron yourself.

It's off to watch Hell's Kitchen, then bed for the evening. Thanks for reading, and enjoy you're night. ;)